Episode 1- What are "Normal Lies?" & 10 Principles to Break up Yours

Welcome to Episode One of the normal lies podcast. In this episode we unpack the meaning of normal lies will discuss our struggle with wanting to be normal to fit in while also wanting to stand out, all while trying to just be who we are. I share 10 principles that have cropped up again and again in my work and discuss how putting these into practice will begin breaking up the lies that are controlling you. So you can start paving the road to happiness, success and purpose. Right now. If you're looking for a one size fits all easy approach to changing your life, this is not podcast for you. However, if you are delighted by tough questions, love hard and sometimes messy conversations and you are in the right place. I'm Linda Heeler, professional certified coach and host of the normal lies podcast. During my 10 years of coaching, I have helped dozens of clients change their lives simply by questioning the beliefs they thought were true. Now it's your turn to uncover the normal lies in your life. We all want to be normal, right? Who decides what or who is normal? What if normal doesn't exist? What if it's all made up? The definition of normal is conforming to a standard, usual, typical or expected? Who decides what that standard is? And how many of us can truly say we fit what's usual. conforming is the word that really gets me It says that you are not okay the way you are. You need to change in order to be normal. So none of us are really normal. Well, then why are we so anxious to conform? We are told that in order to fit in, we need to be like everyone else. No, we need to be like the cool kids. And the people who are popular. The people who buy the right clothes, drive the right car, go to the right school, have the latest and greatest haircut, clothes and vacations. On the other hand, we're told to stand out and be unique but not too unique. Or you risk being ostracized. And it's not always said out loud. Watch TV, movies, ads, social media posts for the subtle or not so subtle nuances that tell us to fit in or be at risk of being rejected. It plays on our fear of rejection. How in the world do we navigate this? By becoming anxious, stressed, overworked and worried about what other people think? People pleasing and perfectionism seven. We eat too much drink too much Medicaid ourselves spend too much money on things we don't really need. we're so busy trying to keep up with what's in so we can feel good about ourselves and our lives. We are constantly caught between trying to be true to ourselves, and trying to fit the norm of society. We can't have it both ways. It's time to start questioning why we are still on this hamster wheel when we are exhausted and about to crash. The normal lies of the world have become normalized, and kept us so busy that we don't take the time to ask ourselves if we are enjoying life. Do you even know how to enjoy life? As we uncover and navigate through the lies that have become normal in our everyday life? I'm going to propose some rules. Okay, no not rules because that makes it seem like I'm telling you what to do and you don't have to do any of this. I really like what Alan Cohen said he's got a quote that It says, Don't follow people follow the truth. And I believe that we know the truth when we hear it. What I want you to do is to try on what I'm saying for size and see what you think. So instead of rules, let's call these guiding principles. I have found 10 guiding principles that have consistently popped up when working with clients over the years. Keep these principles in mind as we uncover question and ultimately overhaul the lies that currently form your experience. These are meant to provide a framework to get the discussion going, and help you form your own answers. Number one, it's all and always about you. You first, trying to preach and fix others is not the way to your happiness, your personal growth well being and self care takes precedence. You may have heard the words of wisdom about how when you go on an airplane, the flight attendants tell you that in case of the loss of cabin pressure, place your oxygen mask on first, before assisting others. Think about it. How many people do you think you can help before you pass out if you don't put your oxygen mask on first. Now think about how many more you will be able to help if you take the time to put on your mask first. This is a perfect illustration and endorsement for taking care of yourself. Women especially think that it's selfish to take the time and energy to focus on themselves. This is one of the biggest lies that has become normalized in our society today. What happens when we don't take our needs into account? From my experience, I get sick, tired, cranky and resentful? Because I believe I should or must put everyone else's needs ahead of my own. Is this really about helping or supporting? Or is it just about us, which is more selfish, you playing Super woman getting stressed out sick, burnt out, ending up angry and resentful, or taking the time to take care of yourself so you can take better care of others? Have you ever said if one more person asks me for something, I am going to lose it? Then it's time to have a sit down? Talk with yourself. And don't fool yourself into thinking that people can't pick up on your anger or resentment either. There will always be things we don't want to do that we have to do. However, it's time to take a pause before saying yes, because you're afraid you won't be liked. You don't want to let someone down or because you're afraid no one else will do it. If you don't. In that case, if no one else cares to step up, how important is it? Sometimes it's okay to let things fall rather than you killing yourself trying to keep all the balls in the air. Ask yourself, would you treat someone you love the way you treat yourself. It also may be difficult to change when others in your life are not. However, it is a lie to think that they have to change before you do. clients often come to me complaining about people who are irritating them, they're upset and trying to figure out how they can make the other person change so they can be happy. My clients typically don't like it when I tell them that it doesn't work that way that it's never about the other person. It's always about us. You can allow yourself to be upset by someone or you can bless and release them and focus on you and not their problems. Now that's not to say that you don't love your family and friends and and you do what you can. But ultimately, your adult children, your family and your friends are responsible for themselves, just like you, they get to choose whether they will be victims to their circumstances or not. If they are willing to do their own work, then of course give them support while also putting in boundaries that support your well being allowing others to take advantage of you is about you and what you allow It's codependency or enabling and that's not healthy or empowering for anyone. This leads into our next principle number two, no victims hear the word responsibility got a bad reputation. When I was a kid, I remember hearing, who's responsible for breaking that lamp or who's responsible for leaving the milk out on the counter. Responsibility became equated with who did this thing that was wrong. If we do something wrong, then we own it. This is not an opportunity to beat ourselves up or deny our part. The normal lie is that we are bad if we make a mistake. The truth is, like it or not, we all make mistakes. By taking responsibility and accepting and facing our mistakes rather than denying or hiding them. Our ego gets smaller, and our integrity gets stronger. Bad things may happen, but you are 100% responsible for how you choose to respond. It is impossible to be a victim and empowered at the same time. When we blame others for our circumstances. We not only lie to ourselves, we give up our power, the truth, no victims here, we make our own decisions. Number three, you are not broken. You do not need fixing. I don't care what your mother father, fifth grade teacher, friend's father, neighbor, boss or voice in your head says there is nothing wrong with you. There is a never will be anyone quite like you. You are unique, not just physically but because no one has had the experiences you have had. You are a sum total of all of your experiences. And that is what makes you special in a world that has us comparing ourselves to everyone else. This levels the playing field, there is no one who compares to you. This goes for other people as well. We have been born into a world that likes to judge. So as you look at others, remember that they are not broken. They do not need fixing. They are perfect as they are just like you be aware of our tendency to judge ourselves and others, whether that's finding ourselves not just worse than others, but the times when we judge ourselves better than someone else. We are all born with different bodies, colors, personalities, abilities and experiences. You are no better or no worse than anyone else on this planet. Step away from the judgement of yourself and others by remembering that there is nothing wrong with you or anyone else. Number four feelings or emotions just want to be expressed. We are and are meant to be feeling beings, we can either express them, numb them, or push them down. According to Dr. Bernie Browns research. If we numb one emotion, then we numb them all. That means we can't truly feel joy. If we are numbing our anxiety or anger. If we ignore or push down our emotions then it will manifest itself in other ways. For example, if you don't express your anger, it could take the form of depression punishing yourself rather than expressing anger about the real cause. Some people express their emotions by getting them all over others. It is not okay to lash out at others if you are hurt or angry or draw people into your drama. It's important that we learn to safely express our emotions. It's important that we get whatever emotional energy we are experiencing up and out. If you're sad that might mean having a good cry. Growing up being sad was okay but it was not okay for me to be angry. I pushed down my anger and ended up using food to make myself feel better. The voice in my head became extremely abusive. I not only didn't know how to handle my anger, I couldn't stand anyone else. being angry with me. I thought it meant that they didn't like me as a kid, I learned that if I ignored someone else's anger, it would go away. So I thought that was good advice for my own anger. It was not a few years ago, I finally discovered how to safely express my anger. And that led me to being able to deal with other people's anger. If you're in a situation where you're angry, or dealing with someone who's angry, assess the situation. If you don't feel safe, or you are so angry, you want to rake this person over the coals or give them a slap. Nothing productive will likely occur from this interaction, give yourself permission to say that you need a break and that the two of you will revisit the conversation later and then walk away, go and do what you need to to get that emotional energy up and out, go for a run or a brisk walk, go to your car and scream. I have a kickboxing bag in my basement that really gets a workout when I get angry. And also, I don't swear a lot because I don't want to offend people. But when I get angry, I swear like a sailor with my husband or a trusted friend in private. Of course, venting to a friend is a good way to release that emotion. But we need to have some ground rules. Choose someone who will not get down into the mud with you. This is about you venting your emotion not raking someone over the coals. Their job is to listen only this person needs to be objective and not hold anything against the person you're venting about. Be careful if you're venting about your spouse to your mom or dad, venting should also be a one and done. I had a client come up to me in a social situation a few years ago and start venting about a nasty interaction that she had with a friend. I thought she was using me as her coach to provide some non judgmental listening so she could vent when she got done. I checked in to see if she had gotten rid of all of that yucky angry emotion. She said she had started to feel better because she had vented to her daughter and now to me but she would be done once she vented to the friend she was meeting for drinks later people this is not venting This is gossiping, venting is a one and done with a trusted friend who will not share it any more than that and you are probably looking to get people to agree that you are right and the other person is wrong and bad. This drags on the story and keeps the energy growing instead of releasing it. This episode of the normal lies podcast is brought to you by Live Inspired life coaching. What if you could create your unique roadmap to success? learn strategies that foster deeper, more meaningful relationships? What if you discovered your life purpose and woke up every morning excited for the day ahead? It is possible. I'm Linda Heeler, host of the normalized podcast and owner of Live Inspired life coaching. I'm a professional certified coach with 10 years of coaching experience. I have a proven system that helps my clients boost their careers and enhance their relationships, find their purpose and get excited about life. Want to know more? Contact me for a free 30 minute discovery session at 585-210-8726 or email Linda at Live Inspired life coaching.com number five, no one has the answers for you. Listen to your gut, your instinct, your intuition. This is where your wisdom and answers lie. It's okay to be open to advice but decide what works best for you. This is a process of discerning what feels right for you do not substitute my or anyone else's advice or thinking for what feels right and logical to you. However, if you notice the people you know and trust and love are expressing concern about you then you may want to check in with yourself or your decisions being motivated by fear. Anger, blame revenge, if it's Seems that your decisions are being clouded by your emotions, then it's time to take a step back and go back to number four and express those emotions safely, then check back in with your gut and see what it has to say. Number six, there is no one definition of success. Choose what success means for you, we have been sold the idea of what normal looks like. According to BuzzFeed, the average model we see in magazines averages between five foot eight inches and five foot 11 and weighs between 90 and 120 pounds. Whereas in 2016, the CDC found the average American woman is five foot four inches and weighs 170 pounds. If we are constantly being bombarded with images that are impossible to attain. No wonder there are so many diet and exercise programs that claim to make your dreams come true. Until we accept who we are and make our goals from there. We will never achieve our success and joy in life. I I remember, I had a Barbie as a kid and I loved her because she looked like me. Well, kinda I mean, she had blond hair and blue eyes. That was about the only resemblance however, I remember thinking that when I grow up, I'm going to look just like Barbie. I made up this story that when I turned 21 I was gonna look like Barbie. And don't ask me why 21 that was just my kid brain that said that. Needless to say, I did not achieve that level of success. I couldn't achieve it being that I was five foot two. And I was built like my dad. But that didn't stop me from trying to achieve the ideal that had been fed to me. I have tried to attain at least that made up weight success. I've tried all sorts of diets, starved myself and even damaged my body so much, I got really sick. This is not success. I am so grateful for what my body has endured over the years carrying two healthy children and enduring the abuse. I've put it through I'm now taking better care of my body. And I'm amazed at how it's responding to the love and care. I'm finally showing it my once ill body is healing, we are born into the idea of the American dream, we are told that we can have it all which means going to college, finding a good job getting married, buying a house having a couple of kids retiring and living a peaceful life until we die. How many of these things are we doing just because we believe that this is what we are supposed to do? To me the American Dream is whatever you say it is. It's the opportunity of freedom to live our lives the way we choose, not the way society or our parents tell us we should we get to define our own brand of success. What would have your life be a success. Number seven, resistance is inevitable. You are learning the lies that you made up as a kid. The lies that you were born into the part of you your ego, or I call it your survival mechanism is just a bunch of stories you made up as a kid. Bad news is it's not going away. It's yours to keep its job is to keep you safe inside your comfort zone. Even though you may feel stuck and swear you want something different. The good news is you can feel the fear and talk about the things you're uncomfortable with. It's the only way to grow. Our job is to not let your ego or survival mechanism keep you from what you want. Feel the resistance call yourself out and keep pushing yourself outside your comfort zone. That's a perfect lead in to number eight. Put action to your insights. It's the only way to get result. Baby steps or action even one or 2% closer to your goals will stretch your comfort zone. That's good. Don't believe the lie that that's not good enough. giant leaps may land you in the panic zone and can cause your comfort zone to constrict. What is the action that's just uncomfortable enough to keep you moving. Remember Principle number seven about Resistance, what is the structure and the support that you need to keep moving, it may be accountability, not in a way that beats you up, but from people and structures that are supportive, kind and not stopped by your nonsense. Number nine, there is no there there, we're never going to be done. If we are only focused on the outcome or goal, our happiness is reliant on achieving that goal, then we're happy for a short period of time until we find a new goal that promises to bring us happiness. It's a cycle of seeking goals to be happy, which brings a very short lived happiness. The practice is to set your goals and work toward them, while also creating happiness along the way, instead of waiting for happiness, release your expectations and enjoy the journey. Being grateful and finding joy in every step can bring a renewed sense of purpose and fun each day. I love the quote by Mandy Hale. She says, When you release expectations, you are free to enjoy things for what they are, instead of what you think they should be. Trust that the power of the universe is working on your behalf, there will be things we have to face. No one promised that life was going to be all rainbows and unicorns. The problems that we face can be viewed as just that problems or we can choose to see them as opportunity to learn something about ourselves. The universe always brings us what we need to learn next. There is always another lesson to learn and layer to peel, practice accepting let downs and follow them with a hearty dose of there's something even better waiting for me beyond this. Again, release expectations and enjoy the journey. Number 10. We can't do this alone. Find your people create community, you are not going to get where you want to go by yourself. It's okay. If you weren't born into a family that gets you. There are like minded people out there. But you can't find them sitting home on your couch. Well, maybe you can look up book groups in your area or go to meetup.com. No, that's not a dating site. It's a place where you can go and explore all sorts of different groups from fitness to cooking to hiking to personal development, creative meetups, and a lot more. Eventbrite also has events that you can attend. Whether you attend online or in person after the pandemic, practice connecting with others. This means doing more listening than talking as questions, sprinkle in a bit of sharing about yourself. If you feel a connection with someone risk it and ask if they'd be open to meeting for coffee or doing a virtual coffee chat. If they say no, don't take it personally. They have their reasons and they likely have nothing to do with you keep looking, there are 7 billion with a B people in the world, the odds are good that you'll find your people. Those are my 10 guiding principles that will not only help us break up our normal lies, they provide a framework of action to get you moving in a more powerful way. Try sharing this podcast with a friend or group and then discuss your thoughts. what resonates, what doesn't, what have you learned from your experience? As I said, these are meant to get a discussion going so you can not only uncover the normal lies, but what truths you've learned as well. Remember to subscribe to this podcast rate and leave a review. I promised that I read all of the reviews and I will choose one to read on air each month. If you have any questions, feel free to leave them in your review. Or you can contact me at Linda at normal dash lies.com. Until next time, make it a great day.